Monday, March 25, 2013

Sixth grade, a grade of memories.  Unfortunately, not good ones.  That was the year when my confidence and low self esteem started to kick in. The first year of school where I was bullied the entire year.  Kids would be friends with me one day and the next day would torment me the entire time.  All part of satans plan to try and destroy me.

  I have read many books, prayed, studied scripture but could not seem to shake this way of thinking and believing.  Recently I started asking God why am I like this?  Many memories of childhood would come to mind but nothing was giving me that "ahh ha" moment.  Until, one day I was doing dishes and God brought to mind a very hurtful time in my life that was the "hook" so to speak that satan had completed his task. This memory was one that made everything prior to it confirm how I was thinking about myself.  I thought I couldn't trust anyone, they will always hurt me, friends are not true friends, they will be nice one minute and then slay me the next, I am nothing, no one wants be my friend, I will never measure up, I will never do anything amazing....Ugh! As I am writing this just feeling so mad that so many years I was believing LIES! You see satan had a plan, a plan to destroy me but Praise God His plans are the ones that prevail. 

I feel God is wanting me to share this painful story for some reason.  I know if I reason it to long I won't write it so here we go.

I was at the age of 16 and just starting to feel good about who I was.  I was starting to like myself and who I was.  I began to make friends who I thought were true friends.  My mom had brought me to church where there was a youth group that I was a part of.   We were on a youth group retreat and I was really enjoying myself.  We were playing volleyball, laughing, just feeling free for the first time in awhile.  I had no idea the blow that was coming.  All of the sudden some of the youth group adults on the girls side were starting to tell me "You don't belong here, your not like the rest of the girls, you shouldn't be a cheerleader, your sinning because of the uniform you where"  I was dumbfounded, this was coming from the youth leaders.  No sooner did that happen that one of "my friends" called me into a room where there was another "friend" sitting there.  They began to tell me everything that they didn't like about me.  Literally one thing right after the other.  You think your so pretty, your not...your popular at school but your not here..we don't like you..you think you are above us...you don't belong with us..we don't like you.  In case you forgot this was a church function I was at.  I remember leaving that room horrified, completely broken, climbed right back in my shell and instantly said this church stuff is ridiculous, I am done!  The really strange thing was as soon as I left the room they tried to talk with me and acted like nothing happen.  Which confirmed my thoughts already, it is me.  I am awful.  I remember that night just laying in my bunk bed sobbing.  Waking up the next morning and  having no where to escape to.  I was stuck on this camp site for another entire day with these people as well as a 2 hour bus ride back home.  The rest of the day was a blurr, I can't remember anything and glad of that.    From that point on began my critical, negative thinking, walls up and I am not going to trust anyone.  Even until just this week I thought the friends I had now were thinking bad things about me.  Almost waiting for them to tell me everything they thought was wrong with me.  I thought sure they like me, it is just an act they are going to get me as soon as I let my guard down.  So, to all of those friends who were really trying to be friends with I am so sorry if I pushed you away, please forgive me.  There were wounds that needed to be healed and God is healing those now.  Part of that healing process he asked me to write that experience down.  I am aware of this now and I am going to let God help me work through these things to be the woman he wants me to be.

I read a verse this weekend in Isaiah where it said "It pleased God to bruise Him"  Him being Jesus.  Even Jesus was bruised first before he could fulfill what God had chose Him to do.  Even Jesus had people say they loved Him but yet sold him for silver.  Even Jesus had times where he cried out to God.  You see Jesus has endured as well as me but he kept His eyes and heart on the things of the Lord.  My heart is protected by God.  He will protect me.  I don't need to protect myself. I am going to let Him guard my heart as I share it.  If you have been wounded by someone or some experience let Him have those things.  He will turn those ashes into beauty.

Father, I thank you for showing me these past occurrences and for healing me of them.  I know it will not happen over night but I know you will complete your work in me.  I pray for those who have hurts deep in their hearts that you will heal them and help them on their journey with you.  I pray they give those hurts to you as I have and the freedom and peace of God will flood their souls.  I thank you for this day and I thank you for loving me and protecting.  In your amazing name I pray!

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