Monday, March 10, 2014

Brutally honest and ugly.

 A heat wave of 40 degrees and the sun is shining so brightly.  The snow is melting and pools of water are developing from the tundra snow piles.  I like the season of winter but I am ready for this season to be done.

Ironic cause I feel like that with where I am at personally.  These last 9 months have been exhausting physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.  I have under gone a surgery in the summer of 2013 that was supposed to be a 2 week healing process and would be feeling great (according to the specialist) However, something entirely different unfolded due to errors on several parts.  A root of discouragement had took hold of me.  That root had many vines split off of it without me even aware what was going on.  The enemy is sneaky like that.  Whispers of "you are never going to be well again", "no one even cares that you haven't been to church", "you don't have any friends, no one is even checking on you", "where is your help?"  On and on those things played in my mind and I started believing them.  In fact, no one was checking on me and my family.  Even my own extended family, no one was checking on how things were with us.  My church family, no one was checking and we had been non-existent there for awhile cause of how was and unable to travel distances.  I started then to get mad at my church, saying and believing the lies which turned into bitterness and resentfulness towards them.  I started picking apart why I didn't even want to ever go back there.  Discouragement and isolation from being apart from everyone because of the pain I was in.  All of it part of the enemies plan.  He is the master of set up and destroy.  John 10:10 he is seeking to kill and destroy. That was his intention but praise God it was not the outcome.  Yes, I did go through a season of ugliness in my heart and mind believing those lies.  I would pray God, please help me.  What church do you want us to go to?  What am I doing wrong?  What are you trying to show me? I am daily in your word, praying, praising....You see the enemy was trying to set me up for destruction.  Did you catch what was going on?  I was trying to do more, pray more, read more.  But, I didn't know the lie that had been planted and started to grow.  If the root is still there the lie is still there and I was be strangled out.  Until last week at a bible study, thank you Beth Moore video and a Life Group!  She spoke on discouragement.  I wanted to yell "That is it!!" Discouragement! I let the lies of the enemy discourage me to the point of looking for a new church, looking for new friends, looking for a new way.  You feel like slapping yourself when you realize what and how, a great big "duh!"  One little lie that he says and it transpired into a distorted version of what was going on. The verse John 10:10 would come up all the time when I was doing my quiet time or reading something these last months.  I would say yes Lord help me to not let the enemy destroy me.  That was God trying to tell me "hello it is going on here right now for the last 9 months" take of your blinders. He is so patient though, isn't he? To be even more honest, I didn't want to write about this.  To let people know you had ugliness in your heart is not the most uplifting thing to say.  But, I feel there is someone out there that needs this.  I don't know who reads my blogs, if anyone. But, I will type away and pray.

A new season is beginning.  God makes all things work for the good to those who love Him.  Oh, how I love Him!! He is my everything and more.  He has done so many wonderful things in my life.  It is a freedom moment to say I love who I am in Christ. He can take discouragement and turn it into encouragement.  He can take isolation and turn it into motivation.  He can take pain and turn it into gain.  Ashes into beauty.

 Thank you Jesus for loving me even when I was in a season of ugliness.  Thank you for never leaving me but leading me to the root of the lie I believed.  Thank you for trimming that off of me so fruit can grow.  Use this Father to help someone know you are right there in whatever season they are in. Show them the root, the lie and restore them like you only you can.  Thank you sweet Jesus, Amen!


  1. I'm so glad that you're coming out stronger. Isolation is one of the enemy's greatest weapons. Been there. How are you healing up?

    1. Thanks Pam, I still have a ways to go but doing so much better. How are you doing?

  2. Those valleys really push us. So glad that you are still clinging to the Lord. He sure is so dear and patient with us. Praying for you as you continue on your journey. :)