Monday, November 10, 2014

"Fort Angie" #teardownthewalls

I was a an avid wall builder, making my own comfy "Fort Angie".  "Keep Out, Stay Away Self-protect " so no one can reject me.   Rejection and Fear, just those words gives me the shivers.  I don't like being afraid, I don't like watching scary movies or  scary commercials for that matter.  I like to be in control so I know the outcome.  I like all of the answers to my "why and how come" questions.   I don't like sorry your not good enough, who does?

I have been on a journey these last couple of months.  The stories are below.  I tried to condense them and not ramble.  My prayer is that they encourage you to step out from behind the walls you have put up. 

Round #1: A few months ago my Jesus began changing my heart. I was doing things that I would normally never ever do.  I am pretty shy when it comes to new adventures.  I don't like being up in front of people.  I talk extremely fast and when I get nervous it just intensifies.  So, when God asked me to try out for the worship team at our church of course I told him exactly why that would not work.  I will be in front of everyone!  Lord, you know everyone and I will be on stage!!! In front of everyone.  I am sure He was giggling at me.  After weeks of praying and multiple ways of Him confirming that yes He wants me too, I did.  I had to video myself singing (awkward)  and submit it to my worship pastor. almost made me sick because of the fear of possible "rejection".  Then and there the fear of rejection that has been haunting me all my life died!  No, I am not on the worship team.  Is there a possibility, maybe.  I need some confidence in my voice and that takes some lessons that I have yet to complete.  Waiting on God for that one because lessons are expensive.  So easily the ugly rejection monster could have grown.  God had other plans and took that rejection away and gave me freedom.  All because I was obedient and trusted.

Round #2 : The great organization founded by Christine Caine,  A21 , was having a world wide campaign happening for "Walk For Freedom" on October 18 of this year.  I felt a stirring in my soul to do something. It was a passion that I hadn't felt ever before.  Again, went to my Jesus in prayer and was feeling led to participate in this.  Not only participate but lead one in my small town. ( Again, shy girl doesn't like to be in front of people let alone lead them. ) So I signed up for it, talked to the police and city officials to make sure it was an event that could take place.  Got all my ducks in a row and then stood there scratching my head.  I knew God was asking me to do this event, but I was so confused as to why no one was joining it.  This was a great event on educating those about human-trafficking.  I kept praying for others to join me, but still no one.  I advertised and tried to promote in all the ways I could, still no one.   Order shirts to be made for myself, husband and young boys, they were going to join me. Still no one else signing up.  I was getting frustrated like what is the deal Lord.   No one is coming.  As I was attending a bible study I heard my Jesus says, " I will walk with you".... Talk about melting my heart, that did.  I was ecstatic!!! It took on a whole new way of looking at it.  I was elated to get up that morning still knowing that no one else was coming.  I was joyful and excited for the day. I didn't need the comfort of having others around me because my Jesus was always with me.

Round #3:  At that same bible study and actually that same night He spoke that beautiful sentence to me, He had me do something else.  A lady at my table was telling us about some things happening in her life and I knew we needed to pray for her.  I even heard Him say "Pray for her".  I totally acted like I didn't hear that though.  Like when your talking to your kids about cleaning their room, and they are staring off in space. That was me "not listening, can't hear you"  The night continued and our leader said if anyone needs prayer please come up and be prayed for.  So, I told this lady let's go and have her pray for you, and she agreed.  I went to find our leader and told her the why and who.  She said yes of course we can...but.  No, don't say but....I knew exactly what she was going to say.  She said I think you should pray for her.  AHHH!!  No Lord, now I am going to have to pray in front of people out loud, I know I will cry cause that is what I do when I am nervous.  I am gonna sound like an idiot...All of these thoughts like in a milli second and then the word Yes, came out of my mouth.  Did I just say yes?  Now I will praying in front of 2 pastor wives and up'd the nervousness meter.  It may sound silly but I was so scared.  So, as I laid on hands on her I began to pray, and yes I cried, but something inside me changed while I was doing it.  Yes, I was praying for her but something was happening to me too. That's God!

So this past weekend my pastor preached on "coming out from behind the walls".  As I was taking notes I felt my God whisper to my heart, "That is what I have been asking of you to do these last couple months and you did."   I came out from behind my walls of comfort and hiding.  I stepped out and was obedient to what He was asking me to do.  I humbly trusted Him completely not needing to know the why, how come and what if's.  He has blessed me in so many ways and is changing my heart still because of it.

Is He calling you out from your own "fort"?  Will you lay your self-weapons down?  Will you trust Him.  Oh how I pray you do.  He has such amazing things waiting for you, step out.  I am praying for you!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
Philippians 4:13 

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